Fear

So, my week has gone like this:

Monday- stabbing pains in lower abdomen, especially on the left side.  Nausea was TERRIBLE - I had a very bad day and felt just awful.

Tuesday - woke up and all symptoms were gone - no nausea at all, boobs not sore at all (and they had been killing me), food aversions seem to be totally gone

Wednesday - symptoms still gone and I didn't even need to get up at night to pee (which I have been doing 1 - 2 times EVERY night)

Today - still no symptoms.  Called the doc because of course, I am terrified.  She told me she thinks I'm fine because I haven't had any additional cramping and no bleeding at all (I reminded her that I had no bleeding or cramping last time either.)  She told me that often symptoms peak at 8 weeks and then start to drop off and again, she thinks I'm fine.

I'm convinced I've miscarried (something just doesn't seem right to me)

Is it really normal to completely lose all pregnancy symptoms this early?

What about the sharp, stabbing pains I had on Monday?

And, again, I had NO bleeding or cramping when I miscarried last year.

Help???  What are your experiences like this??? 

I am going crazy, really I am.......

We have an U/S scheduled for Monday at 3:45 and I have already prepared myself for no hearbeat........

The Good and the Sad

The good:

We finished out summer job today. We were contracted until Thursday, but we got everything done by 3:00 today. The best part - we get paid for Wednesday and Thursday even though we don't have to work!

Summer vacation has now officially begun! We leave for vacation on Thursday - more details about that in a later post......


The sad:

Today would have marked 20 weeks in our pregnancy - half way through. There are days that the emotional wound is still so raw. We really, really miss our Chicklet. They say time heals all wounds, but this wound is going to take a long time to heal.

We get to jump back on the TTC wagon in 3 weeks. It's hard to totally invest yourself for fear of miscarriage again.

Tomorrow will be a better day!

What Was Supposed to Be.....

Today was the day we should have been 13 weeks pregnant. Through our first trimester....the week we should have been happily announcing our news. I know we can't change what has happened, but it's days like today that remind you of how much it all sucks...

Normal- What is that?

Here we sit on a Saturday morning - both of us just utterly exhausted. We are just physically and emotionally worn out. The thing is - we know that is completely normal, however it is hard to let it be normal. Because, really, what is normal right now???

Our world has come crashing down around us, yet life keeps moving at full speed. The demands of work are there, and it is the end of the year, so it is an even more stressful time than normal. There are meetings, extra meetings, testing, kids out of control, etc. I know this is the way it always is at this time of the year, but my head is still in a fog, and somedays I just can't cope......

I know that life has to go on, and I know that some sense of normalcy will begin to creep back into our lives. Right now, though, it seems as if we are struggling to find that balance. We are amazed at how quickly we became attached to that little life growing inside of me, and I think we are a bit surprised at how emotionally taxing this truly has been for both of us.

We have each other, we WILL make it through this - I guess some days are just tougher than others....

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our anniversary. Three years ago we "hopped the border" to Vermont and had a Civil Union! The more exciting news at this time is that there is a possibility that Marriage will become legal by the end of this week in NH!! The Senate passed it last week, the House will vote tomorrow, and then it can move to the Governor. Maybe on our anniversary next year we can be married for real!

We are both back to work and trying to return to normal this week. Things get better day by day, but the waves of sadness still come as I'm sure they will for a long time. We continue to heal and couldn't do it without all of the love and support we have had from friends and family. It is a turn in the road that we didn't expect to take, but our journey will continue.

We are so blessed to have each other and we celebrate that today!

A New Day

I am confident that tomorrow will promise to be a new and better day. I have been cooped up in the house and walking around like a zombie for 4 days now. It is time to enjoy life and friends and family even as we grieve our loss.

All went well with the D & C today. My doctor is just incredible and I am so glad we lucked out choosing them. She stood and held my hand and told me how sorry she was as they put me to sleep. I was in and out of the operating room in less than a 1/2 hour. Physically I feel quite well - better than I thought - no pain meds needed - just some A.dvil.

I am so blessed to have a wonderful partner and we are so blessed to have so many family and friends who have been there (and will continue to be) as our journey has taken a turn we didn't expect it to. All of the kind words and thoughts from people in real life and on the blog have truly meant the world to us.

A special thank you to whomever posted our story over at LFCA the extra encouragement we received from folks over there was just another kindness to help ease the pain a bit.

This weekend is National Scrapbook Weekend so it promises to be full of fun - just what we need. Tomorrow we have our Kit of the Month Clubs (scrapbooking and quilting) and we will have lunch with our good friends Laura, Sue, and Olivia. Sunday we are signed up for an all day crop from 9 AM - 9PM with goodie bags, raffles, contests, and 3 catered meals. We are going with 3 friends to that. I am ready to get back to life and now that the my body is healing physically, I really feel that the emotional healing can begin.

Again, thanks to everyone for all of the support - it really has meant the world to both of us - more than you even know!

Ride to Heaven

Last weekend, my parents had one of their miniature donkeys pass away. She had been sick, but her death was rather sudden. My parents have been distraught not knowing what happened to her.

Yesterday my mom said to me, "You know, I was thinking about why Pop Pop died last weekend and now I know. Your baby needed a ride to heaven, so Pop Pop put the baby on her back and they went to heaven together."

How sweet is that..........just a small thought to ease the pain a bit.

Less than 5 percent

They say that once you reach 7 - 8 weeks AND see a heartbeat that your chance of miscarriage is LESS than 5 percent.

WE DID BOTH!!

You never think you will be one of the people who fall into the less than 5 percent category.

Until you are.....

The Hardest Part

The hardest part right now is knowing there is a dead baby inside of me.

Not just A dead baby, but OUR dead baby.

This wasn't supposed to happen...........

We have lost our Chicklet...

There was no hearbeat yesterday.....

D & C scheduled for Friday morning....

We are at a loss for words......